Surreal. Disbelief. Hopeful.
Those three words pretty much sum up my emotions in the first trimester. Earlier this year I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I knew that my body would need to go through major health changes before we began to think about kids again. So, imagine my surprise when a different type of line showed up on my pregnancy test a few months later.
Five more (mega expensive) tests later I felt a little more convinced.
How I romantically told my husband.
I had always planned to tell my husband in a grand romantic gesture. In reality, this was an ultimate fail. The split second after test number five, I had become a squealing maniac woman. The split second after that, the test was already dangling in front of him.
We couldn’t contain our excitement, even more so, we couldn’t contain our anxious energy. We paced around the house, me following him – and him deciding to exert this anxious energy by…um…mowing the lawn. (We’re totes romantic, we are).
The symptoms (or lack of).
Back to that feeling of disbelief I mentioned earlier….. I went to the doctors, they confirmed, I’d then go and see the midwife. She asked me to fill in a bunch of papers and offered her congratulations. All very standard.
Oh, I did find out way later than normal (thanks PCOS!) but I hadn’t had any symptoms. In the following weeks, I waited to get morning sickness. I had some minimal symptoms (hello sense of super smell, bye bye energy) but nothing that I could take as validation. I had a distorted view of what was and wasn’t normal. My google search for “When does morning sickness start” transitioned to “Is it bad not to have morning sickness?”
In fact, Google became my best and worst friend.
When I began to believe.
Guess who drank too much water and then sat in the waiting room while the scan first scan got delayed? Yep. Me. I felt like I was on autopilot as I walked in bracing myself for the worst news. “I haven’t had any symptoms other than tiredness!” I blurted out to the sonographer, “I’m worried I’m not pregnant!”
“Here, take a look at this.” She turned the screen and there she was, this little life bouncing away inside me. Some people at this stage would cry or sob tears of relief and joy. I stared at the screen, realisation dawning on me that everything was okay. I stayed in this happy daze all the way home.
When it started to sink in
The following week I began to tell friends and family – oh, also work. In all this whirlwind, I’d also started a new job, and I had to tell them about my news. My Google searches turned into “Starting work then getting pregnant.”
I’ll be writing about that in one of my next posts. I’ll talk about the experience of joining a new team and then finding out about pregnancy. But for now, if you’re in a similar position, there’s one thing I want to leave you with – that no one has a standard pregnancy experience. Many of us walk through the first-trimester tense, with a sense of disbelief. I did, and many others do, too – and it’s totally normal.